Not entirely sure where i want to go with this particular piece except that I feel some of these thoughts need to be shared, whether to help my process of reflection or even to hold out a helping hand to anyone else who may be feeling this way
You might be wondering why I feel the need to be so vague and abstract about my situation. The reality of it is that Is exactly how I feel at the moment, vague and abstract. I find myself lost, my detrimental sense of purpose that dictated my every move over these past two years suddenly vanished like the autumn leaves once winter arrives. I sit mindlessly day after day going through the monotonous action of going to lectures and writing notes, actions I have programmed myself to believe will help me gain stature in life one day. Yet I feel empty inside, the only moments I feel anything are filled with grief and sorrow, a loss too soon to acknowledge, a pain too deep to spell out.
Its almost funny to me when I think back to a year ago.If a year ago you were to tell me that I would be in a world leading university, doing a course only the smartest can, living around castles and victorian homes I would have been thrilled and flabbergasted to even imagine that as a reality for myself. Yet here I am living the very reality I could have once only dreamed of not feeling a thing.
I feel almost selfish when I say this and I realise I am, however the scope of self awareness is not enough to rid me of my sadness and grief that embodies my every waking moment. I wish to be happy and enjoy these incredible opportunities given to me, yet all I feel is anger and anguish over the things beyond my control, over experiences and circumstances I wish could be erased from existence.
It reminds me of bittersweet chocolate as I reflect on this, I find it sweet as I have truly accomplished what I set out to do from the very beginning of year eleven yet bitter because I now feel no happiness whatsoever in relation to this . I just feel anger and sadness about a multitude of things and varieties and I am just unable to stop it.
I have been known to end my pieces with a inspirational moto, an “ everything will be alright” but at this point right now I no longer feel that way, to say to never lose hope would be hypocritical of me as I sit here unable to look past the mere tragedy I see everywhere around me, unable to stop the darkness that consumes me.
